Shero's

Hero: "noun, a person who, in the opinion of others, has special achievements, abilities, or personal qualities and is regarded as a role model or ideal". Yup, Angela is a hero. All the above attributes pertain, plus some.

Angela endured pain I have never been witness to. Between convulsing seizures; biting down until her cheeks, tongue and gums bled; withstanding fracturing of her frail bones as her muscles contorted beyond her human figure; enduring over 19 hours on a hospital gurney under a frigid air conditioning vent, muscles contracting; the feeling of every bone in the body breaking apart as the steroids struggle to calm a disease while paradoxically destroying her ability to walk... Yes, Angela is a hero.

Angela, her Divine Being, always shines through regardless of how dark the moment may be. She looked beyond the callousness of some medical staff who were numb to her pain.She acknowledged each of them directly for their hard work....and the angel within each with whom she spoke.

Actually, Angela is a step up from a hero, she's a 'Shero'. A mighty woman; nurturer, one who embraces life with compassion, hope. A warrior for those who can not fend for themselves, one who feeds the hearts and bellies of the hungry. She's a soul soother, one who fully forgives and gives fully.

As I continue to learn more from my wife then I have ever before I become more aware of other Shero's whom walk among us. Hota, Angela's sister, has been instrumental in providing strength when I needed it, control when I was out of it and a holding me up with a tearful embrace when I felt I could only fall to my knees. Hota has been a mother to Angela, a rock for me to hold on to.

Constance, a true dear friend for many years, provided support when much was needed. Her mothering gifts embraced all of us as we helplessly watched Angela in her most pain filled and profound moments; between the most sacred and the surreal extremes coexisting between life and death.

And Mary, the quiet, steady nurturer. Always reading between the lines insuring nothing is forgotten or missed. She provided food and sustenance for our body and souls through her willingness to be fully present for whatever transpired.

Yes, Shero's are real as are the angel's who work through them. Without the Shero the hero's of the world would not exist. I say to each of you, thank you.

Anniversary

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I forget how many eons we've been married. We've often entertained the idea we were born from the same cosmic egg, that our time apart prior to being mates in this life time was just in preparation for our journey in the now. No wonder I miss my Angela terribly even if only being absent for a moment. Whether running an errand, on a job or worse yet, being trapped in a moment of thought considering what it would be like if my Angela was gone...

There is no question of our love for one another. For a quarter of a century we've pined for one another even if separated but for short periods of time. We celebrate our love daily in all we do. Our rituals of love have had their degrees of romance which have been refined through the years to the pleasures of making each other coffee, working in the garden, being silly... Now we've added rubbing swollen legs, preparing medications and ensuring all is safe and sound as best as things can be.

This anniversary is different. It is a mile stone. It's a date I was not sure we'd reach together considering recent events. It is now a goal to reach our next anniversary; a date to circle on every calendar moving forward; a date to celebrate our journey no matter the road traveled.

I believe we reached the pinnacle of our relationship a very long time ago. There has just been no reason for us to leave the summit. The celebration of our love for one another, our love for life, our families and friends continues. Our vantage point is spectacular.

Today We Laughed

Today we laughed.
Our normal 24/7 laugh.
The always-being-silly laugh.
It's been a while.
Even prior to recent events the laugh was not full. Honest.
There was a sense of worry.
A nervous, 'I am really scared' kinda laugh.

Today we laughed.
The silly I am happy! laugh.
It felt good.
I can see clearer now.
Possibilities.
A continuation of Luke and Laura's story.
Maybe.

I flash back to the throws of neurological consequences-
Wires glued to my angel's scalp...
Her hair caught in a tussle with an electronic turban...
Strangers recording circuitry in chaos within her head...
Her arms bruised, punctured and beaten by prodding technicians...
Bones stressed beyond their limits...
Convulsing muscles...
Veins painfully shrinking...
Diapers freshly changed...

A simple question in search of her presence
the neuro-doc asks,
"Do you know why you are here?"
"Of course" my angel responds
from her soul-filled eyes.
"For the humor".

Yes, my angel.
We laughed today.

Whose story is this???

As I navigate each moment of this journey I keep in mind my purpose which is to be present while supporting my Angela through this amazing obstacle course between life and death. As much as I want to keep this blog about 'Angela' I understand my writing is about my perspective of her experience; of our experience together. Equally, this is about all those who have participated, who continue to be a part of the journey; those who read this, who pause to contemplate their own mortality; being vulnerable to one's own limitations of mind and body...

My concern for being self indulgent as I key my thoughts is transcended by knowing that WE ARE ALL...doing this thing called Love. None of us are immune to twists of fate, illness, the challenges of being human. As well we are not immune to Love in all of It's expressions.

If there were a defined purpose for this journey it would be a reminder that when all is said and done; when we face the end of our moment in time- Love is all that truly matters.

Restless Nights

Getting to bed has been an easy task with the exception of Angela's continued note taking. Medications are given and prepped each eve in hopes they will not be necessary. Pain spikes occur primarily at night as does the over-active thought process.

Angela and I have concurred that we both have a creative time, 3:00 a.m. in which our creative minds seem to engage. We've looked at how we could capitalize on the quiet of the morn and apply our a.m. energy. 'Our creative time' has been altered though. Now I wake up as I feel her stir. As Angela wakes my senses heighten as I tap into where she is; is she up?.. adjusting her bones?...going to the bathroom?...is her body warm? is she breathing...??? She's been waking in somewhat of a panic, frustrated she can not sleep, 'over-active mind' she states. As of recently she uses an all too familiar term, Alzheimer’s 'Sundown Syndrome' of which my mother suffered. Perhaps her sundown reference is due to what her brain had gone through, the swelling associated with her extreme sodium levels. Perhaps Angela's brain is still in shock; her circuitry still smoldering from 5 Grand Mal seizures; maybe the intracranial pressure from the meningioma tumor...???

A dear friend of ours who is a U of M professor of pharmacology just visited and gave us the best pep talk we've had thus far. Simply put, "Quite putting emphasis on what the doctors say and get out in your garden, barefoot. Get dirty, get out in the air and sun... Angela's spiritual practice is what will heal her as well as all of her clean organic food; be surrounded by positive family and friends. Enlightened conversations and affirmations have so much more to offer than words of doom and gloom"... Words I needed to hear....

 

Late posting. Preoccupied working on a better calendar for visits. Much progress last few days. My angel is moving around the house and spending time in the kitchen. She's much stronger, clearer and communicative. Pain spikes are managed and we are both getting sleep. She has walked to the garden and is busy planning her future.

A home visit from Angela's Lupus doctor confirmed there is a tumor which is not malignant although poses a threat as it grows, if indeed it is still present. After witnessing what was described as a paranormal 36-48 hrs I would not be surprised to find out the tumor was no longer an issue. We will be finding out what processes are available to have it removed if needed.

One of the behaviors which have surfaced was a constant need for writing notes. At first they made no sense although purposeful. Scattered post-it notes and sheets of paper strewn with Angela's thoughts began piling and became a concern. Now they make sense. Angela has organized menues, grocery items, healing tasks, scheduling; a plethora of thoughts which are well organised and lead to a healing path. Her mind never stopped. Her post-it notes exposes her determination to control her life.

I must say, through the past few weeks I prepared myself for the worst. That being my wife has brain damage and absent of cognitive rational. As it is, she has become more focused and determined to overcome all challenges she faces. Each step of the way I am more impressed by her shear will to live a productive life while empowered by spirit and grace.

day.3

Lil 'A' is up and about. Continuously organizing. Gaining her center. Working on grounding. Vague recollection of what took place last two weeks. Asks if she was at one point screaming in a hall. Yes, ICU nurses station. Hota and I rushed back to ICU (after Angela kicked us out). Had to literally jumped into her bed with her to bring her back into her body....sodium drop, seizure??

Reviewing videos etc. Will begin posting archive.

Grand Mal Seizures 

After 5 Seizures Angela managed to comeback into her body. On the way Lil' 'A' guided us through her journey around the universe back home....

Angela's Video's